(no subject)

I don't have time to sit and sob.
I don't have time to crack and break.
I only sleep because I know
I can't afford to stay awake.

His arm is raised about ten inches off the table.

You raised me from a pair of cells
Repressed emotions, every one
You screwed me up, you knocked me down
Rejected me, your only son.

His fist is tightly clenched, but his nails are cut so short, they cannot penetrate his hand.

I don't believe that you don't care
I don't believe your love is gone
I don't believe you hated me
When you heard what was going on

And now every muscle in his arm is tensed. It is shaking.

Father, this is all your fault
I never made you do those trials
I didn't make you cheat those people
Tricking them with phoney smiles
I didn't take that money dad.
I didn't make those people bleed
And if somehow that makes me bad
Then I am very bad indeed

Directly below his arm, on the table, are two rows of drawing pins, sharp side upwards. He raises his arm slightly.

And then there's Helen, dear, sweet Helen
How I hurt you I don't know
I ache for you, I bleed for you
With emotions that I cannot show
I do not hate you, could not hate you
Never such a thought came by
You stamped upon my broken heart
You made me feel like I would die

He slams his arm down on the drawing pins. He gasps. It hurt more than he thought it would.

I failed.

"NO!"

With a sweeping movement he pushes the pins violently out of his arm, sending them scattered over the floor.

You chewed me up, you spat me out,
You bastards,  "YOU CREATED ME!"
You think that I am worthless dirt
"I WON'T LET YOU DESTROY ME!"

Tears streaming down his face, and blood dripping from his arm, he repositions the pins.

This is willpower. I will defeat this.

For the fifth time, he positions his hand above the pins.

Easy to drop. Hard to stop.

An hour and a half later, he is still there. Slowly, rather stiffly, he brings his arm back in towards his body.

I don't have time to sit and sob
I don't have time to crack and break.
And now I sleep because I know
I don't have time to stay awake

"Guppy, look at me. Don't do this. No offense, but your family sounds like a bunch of assholes for disowning you. They don't need you? Fine, you don't need them. They don't deserve you. And you sure as hell don't deserve cutting yourself up like this."

"There is nothing pathetic about facing your feelings and letting them out. Emotion is a part of you and this has affected you a lot. What truth is there in denying what you feel?... The tree that will not bend... breaks...Face it, accept it, and deal with it. It isnt easy. I know times when I have felt like thre whole world would collpase on me with fear... but I got through it and so can you."

"If you don't sleep Guppy, I will knock you out... What's undoubtedly pissing them off is your solid belief that you don't deserve, or need help...Don't be SORRY. Be Guppy. The man I first met when I came here. Not the one who hates himself...You need help Guppy"

He cleans and bandages his arm, then goes to bed without another word. He sleeps.