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Nov. 8th, 2010 11:41 pmGuppy has to admit that his mother has, over the years, pulled a couple of stunts. They don't really speak to each other much these days, except for the occasional webcam.
When Frogspawn rang him at work to tell him that at one day's notice, his mother, step-father and sister were going to be staying overnight at their house, he was more than a little surprised. Not least because that meant they were flying over from India. Turned out to be the death of one of his mother's cousins, and she needed somewhere to stay for the funeral because they couldn't get a hotel at this short notice.
Guppy and Frogspawn did a very quick clean of the house, tried to warn Alex that there would be guests incoming, and tried to set up enough beds while he watched Sesame Street.
"Where's your suit?" Frogspawn asks.
"In the wardrobe, why?"
"For the funeral?"
"I'm disowned, remember?" Guppy says. "I shouldn't think they'll want me there."
"Your mum said we're all expected to go." Frogspawn says. "And that you knew him quite well."
"Mum wants us to go to the funeral, with two under-twos in tow? That's madness; I assumed we'd be babysitting Anita. Maybe I could just go and you stay home with the kids."
"If you think I'm leaving you to the mercy of your family en masse, you've got another thing coming." Frogspawn says. "I'll make some calls and see if we can get a sitter."
She disappears downstairs, and comes back twenty minutes later.
"Auntie Tanya isn't free, Auntie Hannah has Abby poorly in bed, and Grandma will take Coral but not Alex. Do we really want to take Alex to a funeral surrounded by your not terribly friendly family?"
They make a determined vow to decline going to the funeral as soon as Guppy's mother arrives.
***
"Ridiculous." Guppy says quietly, sitting in his suit, Alex between him and Frogspawn. "How did she talk us into this?"
"You said 'We're not going', and your mother said 'Don't be so ridiculous'? We'll be fine, Fry's got things to play with and he's been to a funeral before."
Actually, Alex turns out to be pretty well behaved. Guppy shows him flashcards of what is about to happen next, and he sits on the floor lining up bricks for most of it.
It is just at the end of the ceremony, during a quiet moment, that trouble occurs. In the moment of silence at the end of the prayer, Alex crawls to the end of the row, stands up, and looks at all the people sitting still. Guppy gestures for him to come back, wincing.
"Fry! Come back!"
"Load of bollocks!" Alex says loudly, in his Gene Hunt accent impression.
The entire funeral party turn and stare at him. Guppy goes very red and Frogspawn hides her face in her skirt. A child somewhere in the room begins to giggle.
"Bollocks!" Guppy's little sister, Anita shouts too. The three-year-old laughs, then cries as Guppy's mother delivers two smacks - one to her, and one to Alex.
Uh oh, that's not going to go down well. Guppy gets up as Fry begins to scream hysterically, warns him, scoops him up, and takes him outside.
He and Frogspawn miss the rest of the service trying to calm Fry down.
"That's why you mustn't swear." he says, sitting next to the kid as he sobs and rocks his body. "People don't like it. I'm sorry Grandma Sandhu smacked you though."
"I am livid at your mother right now." Frogspawn says, sitting on Guppy's other side. "She has no right to do corporal punishment on him."
As the funeral party goes out, there are a number of just loud enough to hear comments said, then Guppy's mother approaches, with Anita.
"I have never been so embarrassed!" she hisses. "What are you doing teaching him filthy language like that?"
"I'm sorry, he picked it up from someone we met in the street." Guppy lies. "But he's only little and you shouldn't have hit him. You know how sensitive he is to being touched."
"You're just not raising him properly." Guppy's mother says, as Anita, behind her back, raises her skirt up above her head.
Frogspawn is about to intervene when Fry stands up and looks at his Grandmother with distaste. Guppy takes the opportunity.
"Fry, say sorry to Grandma for swearing."
"Sorry." Fry says. But then he adds. "You hitted me! Hitting is naughty. If you hit me 'gen, you go onna naughty step, hundred min-its, one per year!"
"Yay Fry!" Anita shouts, before Guppy's mother delivers a scolding all around.
***
The next morning, the only communication between the two parties is Alex waving a spoon at his grandmother, recreating his Sesame Street episode by shouting 'Medamorphasis!' and trying to make her turn into a penguin. Guppy's mother, step-father and sister leave early, with Ani singing the three new swear words she learned off Alex.
"He has quite a vocabulary Gurpreet." she says. "But his behaviour is attrocious. Thank you for having us at short notice. It was nice to meet Coral."
Guppy gives Anita a hug. She's turned into a cutie. As though afraid that she'll pick up any more bad habits, the visitors make a hasty exit back to the airport.
When Frogspawn rang him at work to tell him that at one day's notice, his mother, step-father and sister were going to be staying overnight at their house, he was more than a little surprised. Not least because that meant they were flying over from India. Turned out to be the death of one of his mother's cousins, and she needed somewhere to stay for the funeral because they couldn't get a hotel at this short notice.
Guppy and Frogspawn did a very quick clean of the house, tried to warn Alex that there would be guests incoming, and tried to set up enough beds while he watched Sesame Street.
"Where's your suit?" Frogspawn asks.
"In the wardrobe, why?"
"For the funeral?"
"I'm disowned, remember?" Guppy says. "I shouldn't think they'll want me there."
"Your mum said we're all expected to go." Frogspawn says. "And that you knew him quite well."
"Mum wants us to go to the funeral, with two under-twos in tow? That's madness; I assumed we'd be babysitting Anita. Maybe I could just go and you stay home with the kids."
"If you think I'm leaving you to the mercy of your family en masse, you've got another thing coming." Frogspawn says. "I'll make some calls and see if we can get a sitter."
She disappears downstairs, and comes back twenty minutes later.
"Auntie Tanya isn't free, Auntie Hannah has Abby poorly in bed, and Grandma will take Coral but not Alex. Do we really want to take Alex to a funeral surrounded by your not terribly friendly family?"
They make a determined vow to decline going to the funeral as soon as Guppy's mother arrives.
***
"Ridiculous." Guppy says quietly, sitting in his suit, Alex between him and Frogspawn. "How did she talk us into this?"
"You said 'We're not going', and your mother said 'Don't be so ridiculous'? We'll be fine, Fry's got things to play with and he's been to a funeral before."
Actually, Alex turns out to be pretty well behaved. Guppy shows him flashcards of what is about to happen next, and he sits on the floor lining up bricks for most of it.
It is just at the end of the ceremony, during a quiet moment, that trouble occurs. In the moment of silence at the end of the prayer, Alex crawls to the end of the row, stands up, and looks at all the people sitting still. Guppy gestures for him to come back, wincing.
"Fry! Come back!"
"Load of bollocks!" Alex says loudly, in his Gene Hunt accent impression.
The entire funeral party turn and stare at him. Guppy goes very red and Frogspawn hides her face in her skirt. A child somewhere in the room begins to giggle.
"Bollocks!" Guppy's little sister, Anita shouts too. The three-year-old laughs, then cries as Guppy's mother delivers two smacks - one to her, and one to Alex.
Uh oh, that's not going to go down well. Guppy gets up as Fry begins to scream hysterically, warns him, scoops him up, and takes him outside.
He and Frogspawn miss the rest of the service trying to calm Fry down.
"That's why you mustn't swear." he says, sitting next to the kid as he sobs and rocks his body. "People don't like it. I'm sorry Grandma Sandhu smacked you though."
"I am livid at your mother right now." Frogspawn says, sitting on Guppy's other side. "She has no right to do corporal punishment on him."
As the funeral party goes out, there are a number of just loud enough to hear comments said, then Guppy's mother approaches, with Anita.
"I have never been so embarrassed!" she hisses. "What are you doing teaching him filthy language like that?"
"I'm sorry, he picked it up from someone we met in the street." Guppy lies. "But he's only little and you shouldn't have hit him. You know how sensitive he is to being touched."
"You're just not raising him properly." Guppy's mother says, as Anita, behind her back, raises her skirt up above her head.
Frogspawn is about to intervene when Fry stands up and looks at his Grandmother with distaste. Guppy takes the opportunity.
"Fry, say sorry to Grandma for swearing."
"Sorry." Fry says. But then he adds. "You hitted me! Hitting is naughty. If you hit me 'gen, you go onna naughty step, hundred min-its, one per year!"
"Yay Fry!" Anita shouts, before Guppy's mother delivers a scolding all around.
***
The next morning, the only communication between the two parties is Alex waving a spoon at his grandmother, recreating his Sesame Street episode by shouting 'Medamorphasis!' and trying to make her turn into a penguin. Guppy's mother, step-father and sister leave early, with Ani singing the three new swear words she learned off Alex.
"He has quite a vocabulary Gurpreet." she says. "But his behaviour is attrocious. Thank you for having us at short notice. It was nice to meet Coral."
Guppy gives Anita a hug. She's turned into a cutie. As though afraid that she'll pick up any more bad habits, the visitors make a hasty exit back to the airport.
